Obligatory Psychotic Jackass...oops I mean Christmas post...Damn you Rob Thomas

Merry Meet and Happy Holidays readers! Time to shower and put on those special Christmas pjs and dream of sugar plums.... Haha fat chance. Lately my dreams have been about the upcoming Avenged Sevenfold concert, hamburger buns, and Ohio. Yeah that makes sense I know. I'm doing this now because I honestly won't remember to do this later. I get sidetracked easily (duh!).

So on to what I really want to say. I sincerely hope that you all enjoy your holiday. Don't let anyone ruin it. I'd say something about jesus but you don't want me to get into that. All I willl say is... i think the birthday celebration is a little bit late... So enjoy today for what it is. Eat good food (hopefully), spend time with family and friends, bury your living room under a blizzard of paper and tell the people you love that you love them. I'd say life is short and all that but I'm going to save all that mush for New Years. Holidays= Blogs ^_^

Again enjoy today or at least the food. I think the food is the best part of the holidays anyway. Yay for gluttony and awkward conversation!! Merry Meet and Happy Holidays again. Off to bed for me.... and I haven't cooked a thing...weird.

Does anyone else think this song is about Date Rape.? O_O;

Emos,Fruit Snacks, Milkshakes, & Ke$ha

I won't even metion Jell-O or Gummi Bears. You don't want me to even start. These are all people, just in case you were wondering. So I was supposed to post this a couple of days ago but I wasn't really feeling the direction i was going in so I sat back and let this sit for a while. Now that life has errupted into other melodrama I feel like I am suffiiciently equipped to post all this. Are you ready? I'm going to compartmentalize so I don't get confused. Let's get this trainwreck on the road.


Me on the Emo
Everyone has that friend that is really extreme and unnecessary. And everyone knows that if you actually set out to have it out with this friend that it will NOT end well no matter what you say. Perhaps it was a terrible idea...no actually it was a terrible idea. I ended up arguing with this person until eight something this morning. Yes this argurment took all night. I'm still tired. It was like Inception...you  think you understand it then you get to the end and you're more confused than you were in the beginning. Like...WHAT.? So I think it is safe to say the emo isn't my friend anymore. Apparently I'm an untrustworthy theif. Whatever! I never stole anyone! Yes I do mean anyone.


Me on the Fruit Snack:
Oh she is sweet. Has anyone heard the song I Have You To Thank by Gavin Degraw? I think I might post it. Anyway I think there is a line in that song that sums this up *clears throat* ahem..."One look at your smile and I'm all yours. Would you just smile at me again?" Man that's sappy as hell but it was stuck in my head. It's what I hear in my head whenever I thnk about her which is a little inconvenient when I have other situations that require my attention. Still if I see her blush it'll brighten my entire day so...yeah


Me on the Milkshake:
Maybe I am hypothetically lactose intolerant. The more I think about it the more my head hurts and I think about wiping my hands of the whole thing. Honestly I don't need this or want it but I still think that part of me is being unfair. Why can't Milkshakes be like Fruit snacks? Sweet, delicious and less irritating calories...yeah lets call it that.


Me on Ke$ha:
How did she even make it into this post? I don't know. She just happened to cross my mind when I was contemplating all this over a chocolate cupcake. I think it's because I miss her. Our ...relationship...if you can call it that was probably destructive but it was simple and I at least knew where I stood with her. Yeah I expect to vomit glitter and Jack Daniels now. Maybe I need a bath...Maybe I need to cleanse myself of all of it...

Straight off the breakfast of champions (Pepsi and Chocolate Chip Cookies)

The urge to write this literally pulled me out of my bed today. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my little brother crawled into my bed this morning when he thought I was sleeping. It made me smile to think that even though he's almost six he still likes to sleep in my arms sometimes. I'm hoping that at the very least this post inspires some discussion. A girl can dream...

I was...am thinking about sibling relations. Is it harder to be the older sibling or the younger one? I don't have any older siblings so I'm speaking from limited experience. I can say that being the oldest sucks sometimes. I wish I had a big sister or brother to talk to. I would like to do some of the harrassing instead of being harassed al the time. I have five little brothers and one little sister. I only see the aformentioned five year old regularly (we live together) but that's not important. Then again maybe it is important to my entire view on this whole thing.

If it hasn't been obvious I believe that I fail miserably at this big sister thing. How do you know if you're doing it right? I've probably damaged these poor kids for life(I'm being dramatic). By default everything that I accomplish or every mistake I make is under family scrutiny. As such is the family dynamic everything my siblings do or say will be held up next to something I've done in my nineteen years on this planet. Why does this happen? We're completely different people. I don't want my siblings to be like me. If anything I want them to be my complete opposite. A year or two ago I had a a surprise breakfast with four of my brothers and my sister. I was talking to my middle brother when  happen to let it slip that I thought he sounded like me. He turned and asked his mom (my step mom) and she said "You're just like her Tim*" His eyes dimmed. I thought it was a little funny at the time but in retrospect I think that maybe it had to suck. Why take the witty attribute of his personality away from him that way? He doesn't just want to be my little brother. He wants to be himself

I hate being scrutinized. I HATE having to set the example. What if I want to go out and just cause a ruckus(which is fun) Sometmes I just want to be able to mess up. I don't think I'm much to live up to anyway but that's not my point either. Why do I have to set a good example? I'm not a fucking parent. This shouldn't be my responsibility.

At the same time it has to suck to be the younger sibling. Who wants to here "When Anna was your age she..." or  "Why don't you play *insert random sport here* as well as Jason? He has trophies"? Well whooptie fucking doo for them! Is it really a question where sibling rivalries come from? It seems really obvious to me. So tell me universe...is it harder to live up to the standard or be the standard?

There's a monster at the end of this blog

Tell me what makes you green world. It's cool I'll keep your secret I promise. Let me apologize for my hiatus.... I'M SORRY READERS.! Pfft ha like I have readers. It just makes me feel good to think that someone out there is reading this and smiling because there is someone else on the planet they identify with. My idealistic charm at its greatest. <--- That my lovely universe is a fragment. Plus I don't think you should end a sentence with...well with. Whatever. Let me get back to the point of this.

You want to know what makes me green? It's progress. It makes me absolutely Elphaba from Wicked green. Maybe it has to do with that sucktastic(made up word yay) feeling that comes with me not making any. Are you feeling stagnant? Are you in a rut? Has it got you down? Wow I sound like one of those ads for depression medication. Moving on.  I don't care what you own or about your relationships. I don't give a damn if you're thinner, prettier, more athletic (I'm handicapped so that isn't too hard), or more intelligent than I am. That's the way the world works. However if I'm at a standstill and you're making progress...I get...*whisper* jealous

See I told you that there was a monster at the end of this blog. It's green, scaly, horned, and irritated. Mostly with myself but the feeling remains. I begrudge no one their happiness or progress.  have no ill will toward anyone. I honestly wish you all the greatest success. However, my monster and I are going to go pout and gripe in the corner.


P.S. I try to keep my music on here at least abstractly related to what I post. Not this time around though. I just think this song is amazing and couldn't get it out of my head. Enjoy

Imminent shutdown approaching in 5...4...3...2...

Perhaps this is karma for alll the crap I talk. Maybe it serves me right. I really don't feel like being a part of this. One sided situations don't strike my fancy. I've said before that some lessons needed to be learned the hard way and maybe this is one of them. At this point I'm not sure if I'm more upset with you or with myself. I do know that I am NEVER letting this happen again...even if that means letting you go. And if that is what you want just let me know already. This is irritating

Sparkler

Have you woken up one morning wondering what it was that you'd accomplished in the time you've been on this planet? Do you wonder if you changed something for someone? Have you made some one's day better? When I opened my eyes this morning I felt the strong urge to re-evaluate my effect on the world.

It is so depressing to think about how small we are in the grand scheme of things. There are billions of people on this planet. BILLIONS! The feeling of insignificance is sliding down my spinal column. It feels thick and sticky. I don't like it. Do you world? Are you even reading this?

But don't get me wrong. I'm not sad. More like inspired by my irritation. Yes that is a fragment. I know. There is only one me on this entire planet. I've always thought that this one fact made me special. That one thing makes us all special. Why not take advantage of it. We have to stand up and make the world take notice of us. How can we not?

I don't mean to get all preachy or anything but life is short. It isn't death in itself that I'm afraid of. While I want to stay on this planet for as long as possible, I'm  more afraid of dying and it not meaning anything. This is my pledge world, I will make sure that you all remember that I was here. You should make sure the world remembers that you were here.

Damn I told myself I would keep this short...anyway

LIVE

LOVE

LAUGH

DANCE

MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE

We're fireworks my lovely world. Let's put on the best damn show EVER!!!!

Today's Dabble in Poetry

In Hindsight

Maybe it has always been this way

Perhaps it was obvious

To someone who is not a slight optimist

That something was a little strange

Past occurrences tainted by the bitter feelings attached to the present

Feeling not exactly melancholy

But resigned to unprecedented stupidity

Still this heart would like to believe

That deep down somewhere the blooming flower was not just a brightly colored weed

Misleading into perceiving beauty which in truth only served to spread and infect with its malicious intent

Its a possibility that rose colored glasses have been covering the eyes of the beholder up until this moment

Making every instance of beauty and mirth a fleeting mirage

An illusion to placate the starving heart

One day this all may be looked at through different eyes

Felt with a heart marred with more experience

Examined by a brain with more intelligence

Idealism and naivete have most likely painted stars in these eyes

So now with a detached sort of awareness one feels a dull hurt and a kind of sharp sense of satisfaction

However apparent youth happens to be in the quarreling corners

It is amazing to behold the maturity and grace that have come from the depths of this heart and mind

Yet to be explored

Maybe it was always supposed to be this way

Some lessons are always learned the hard way

There is a faint feeling of loss

Being overshadowed however by this growing sense of gain

Perspective gained by the loss of evanescent skewed adoration

The loss of rose tinted view of the situation

Perhaps the price albeit painful is fair

Maybe in the long run it is absolutely the best thing

do u have ASК.FM account? i love it, its like formspring but smth new. i would follow you there. ;)

I don't know what that is but i guess there's no harm in checking it out

Here's hoping you don't waste my time...no holds barred honesty...what do you want to know?

Flaws and All

So I usually try to keep these blogs abstract. I ask general question to the populus based on real life situations. But right now I'm going to focus specifically on myself. Consider this me taking time to be self-centered.

Let me first say that I really can't stand Beyonce but i heard this song yesterday and it was eerily accurate to what I've been feeling lately. I'm flawed and sometimes I try to make sure no one finds out about it.

So here's my bit. I don't like hurting people. I actually go out of my way to make sure that I don't. Problem is that I still want to do the less than intelligent things that I like to do from time to time. Maybe  don't want consequences..no that isn't it. I don't want things that I do to negatively affect others. If a meteor drops on my head because I was being an idiot then I'm fine with that. I truly am.

Another thing...I'm a total romantic. I've realized this recently. Not that I am expecting anyone to make some grand sweeping gesture for me any time soon I still appreciate what my brain equates romance to be. Did I just contradict myself? This is life. I'd be confused if someone was standing outside my window with a radi...no let's be realistic...an ipod dock over their heads. I'd probably call the cops. I don't want people buying me things because I might hurt them. And if I hurt you then you'd be upset you spent x amount of dollars on my behalf. It's a freaking recession so I'm being practical. Is it possible to be a romantic realist...a romantic pessimist?

I can't be in a relationship. Monogamy is ridiculous...in most cases anyway. I am loathe to believe that anyone is worth that level of commitment. I can't even commit to a pair of underwear until they're  half way up. I sorta want to be in a relationship..sorta.. There are people that I would really love to try with but I'm always scared something that I did in the past will come back and bite me in the ass. Maybe I shouldn't do the things I do...yeah I'm just going to be good from now on... I swear.

*twiddles thumbs*

Gosh that was hard

I'm clearly a mess

Gotta love me flaws and all

Pleads and Postcards

In all honesty there isn't much to say really. Talk until you're blue in the face and see if anything gets accomplished... When you really wash your hands of a situation or a given person...does it really matter? Does anyone care? This will be the last time that i speak of this or like this. *cough* yeah right *cough* So to quit or not to quit...that is the question. Dig your heels in for the long hall or send a post card from Tahiti...

Your choice...

Love like Woe

The smallest of words are the hardest concepts to grasp. Explain love, hate, joy, woe. Words have so much impact on our lives and decisions. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can't hurt me" was an idiot. It should be changed to "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can change the world."

My understanding of these three and four letter words is limited. How many times do we claim to love our families then damn them to hell? How many times do we do this to our friends? Admittedly I have said the there are people that I hate and it would bring me great joy to see them kicked into a volcano. But in reality is it really just an outward expression of my anger at the situation and the way it was handled? Probably.

Is it possible to love and to be in love or do we do things just out of spite? Do we pursue relationships with completely pure intentions or are we answering a challenge? Will it really drive me crazy if I don't hear my name on her lips. Will I lose it if her smile isn't because of something I do or say? I probably will just because I'm extremely just myself...And that leads me back to my limited understanding. Is it like...lust..or that other word?

I'm now left to pose this question. Am I even old enough to understand four letter words? Now if you asked me to explain schadenfreude or recitivate I'm your man(woman...you catch my drift) With age comes wisdom right? But what age are we speaking of. Now that we've sucessfully survived the ass kicking that was puberty wisdom should be oozing out of our ears right? Of course not...I enjoy being young, dumb and impressionable. Most of the time anyway.

I like
I love
I lust after
I hate (I think)

Short words are too complicated for my life

The dog days are over

Or at least they are in a perfect world. But the world isn't perfect. The world is made up of near misses and necessary compromises. <--- that may or may not have come from an episode of Charmed. But it is the truth..at least it is according to my own perception. Maybe if we didn't spend so much time confused about everything life would be more fun. Are you a pushover if you put others before yourself? Are you an ass if you put yourself before others? What are you supposed to do when every course of action seems like the wrong one?

Run?

Hide?

Pick a side and start a war?

So we've reached the pont where the cocoon of family is basically rejecting us...or we're rejecting it depending on the situation. We're living on the fight, freeze, or flight diet. Yup good stuff. A product of sleep deprivation and thinking on our toes. That's a lot of pressure for metatarsals don't you think?

So are we allowed to be happy for one person and thoroughly depressed about our own situation?

Can we love and hate or is it really love or hate and we as humans are incapable of dealing with the fact that we are capable of that kind emotion?

That was a run on sentence wasn't it?

You know what...never mind...let's stop thinking so much and keep moving...at least until the dog days really are over...in like 2033.

The (Wo)man who can't be moved

Has anyone figured out how to build a time machine? Can we just go back to how things used to be? Back to when I knew where I stood? How about I go back there and sit and wait for you? At this point I have nothing but time. How about I take a sleeping bag and some hot chocolate...and maybe some Jimmy Johns. Sounds like a plan to me.


What a crime it is to feel like this about so many different people and so many different situations. With a twitch of my nose and a click of my ruby red slippers I'll go back and start again. I'll make different choices because I know how the ones I made before worked out. Oh the I should have's could have's and would have's...

-We used to be friends...or maybe we weren't ever...not really
-2 steps forward and 14 backward
-damn you and your life.!!!

Now tell me...do you feel like this? If you need me. I'll be sitting in the perfect spot at the perfect time, two years ago.

Catharsis

Sooo how do I always start these things.? Something along the lines of..."wow I haven't done this in a while." Right? Do I have to use quotations if I'm quoting myself? Unimportant. Anyway I'm feeling...oh that's lame but really that's all I have. What a terrible way to start a sentence. I'm feeling a lot of pent up emotions right now. It feels like the way I feel when I get nervous...like maybe there's a wasps nest in my stomach or something. On top of that I've gotten into the habit of equating emotions with colors now so I have a rainbow going on and this one doesn't make me smile or feel any solidarity to the people who are like me. Hence this blurb. It was probably a terrible idea to do this on my phone but I've started and it's too late to turn back now. So to stay on topic I think I'm going to compartmentalize this. I never know how well I do at coherency but I'm calling attention to my attempt. So where do we...I start? Well with what's easy of course.
Subject: WRITING
Mood/Color: unsure/ gray
Words. I'm good with words. Maybe not punctuation but words are my friends. Writing is what I do. It's what I'm good at...what I'm passionate about. At least it is majority of the time. I am currently at least half way through the 1st draft of my novel. And no I am not about to take this time to make some shameless plug for it. No teasers, trailers, spoilers...nothing...nada...zilch. That isn't what this is about. However I can say how I feel about it. I'm afraid. What if I never get published? What if it's taken the wrong way? How many rejection letters will I get? If I can't even finish it what right do I have to call myself a writer? Am I destined to have pages and pages of work just on my computer forever? Dear goddess none of my family can ever see this ever.! What if something I write could change everything for someone somewhere? What if everyone hates it? What will I do then? These are the thoughts that run through my head as my fingers glide across the keys. It's really overwhelming sometimes. I think about closing my laptop or putting down my phone and resolving to never write another poem, short story, or word of my novel again.

Subject: RELATIONSHIPS
Mood/color: contemplative/ orange
Whenever I say that word people assume that I mean relationships of the romantic sort. I DON'T.! Well not exactly...not all the time. Honestly romantic relationships rarely cross my mind. I think about my relationship with my mom and what I could do to improve it. Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with it. She is amazing and great to me. I want her to be proud of me. Is that cheesy? I think about my..dealings with my donor and I wonder if that will ever change. Will I ever see him as more than just a donor? Am I being stubborn an onery by not reaching out to him? Should I try and reach out even though I truely believe it's an atrocious idea? I wish I spent more time with my siblings. I wish I knew them better. Do they knoow how much I care about them? Love them? If they don't is it my fault? Am I a terrible sister? How do I change it? Fix it? Has anyone thought of a new word for relationship yet? While repetition is the mother of learning...it gets f*cking annoying pardon my french...what kind of expression is that anyway? Then there are other members of my family. I think about them a lot too. Like maybe the world would be better off if certain people had there lips sewn together, one of the lobotomies like the ones referenced in Shutter Island and were never allowed near a computer again. Maybe that was kind of mean but whatever...I never said I was the nicest person. And if I did...well obviously I lied. How much is my opinion about my family based on how I glean -is that spelled right?- they feel about one another? Do I have preconcieved notions about my own family? Well seeing as there are some who seem extremely interested in my views on romantic relationships let's take a crack at that as if I hadn't said enough already. Honestly sometimes I think monogamy is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard. I can't pinpoint when exactly I started thinking that but it has been a while. This isn't to say that there aren't people who I would be willing to try with...someday in the future...a long while from now because there are a small few and I'm pretty sure they know who they are. But as I have said and will continue to say until I'm like 37...I'm young and ignorant and sometimes I don't want to deal with myself. Why would I make someone else do it. And don't get me started on marriage. Don't ask me to go into it. I'll surely piss some people off. But I will say a couple of things that are purely MY OPINIONS and I mean no disrespect to anyone. Marriage isn't sacred. Not to me. It's business. I'm a writer I have no interest in business. I see no point in tying myself down to one person for the rest of my life when I know for a fact after a good 5 years or so I'll find the way that person breathes to be the most infuriating thing on earth...besides reality TV...and the government most of the time. When I think about my life twenty years from now...there are books that I wrote on the New York Times Bestseller list. There is a white coat with my name, MD and a bunch of other random letters on it, a slightly too big house, a nice car, children, 2 cats and a dog. I'm NEVER getting married. EVER. It's that simple. Let's talk about friends now. I'm admittedly a little touchy about this subject. Don't get me wrong. I have the most amazing friends. However I usually lose touch with people about after five years. We move away or grow apart or have fights that crack the very foundation we built our friendships on. It happens. I accept that. I have made friends I never want to lose...lost friends I will never forget and gotten rid of people who in hindsight had no business in my life in the first place. Man I really know how to pick them. But that's human nature is it not?

Subject: SCHOOL
Mood/color: Frustrated,Depressed/ redish orange, blue
Quite simply put things are not going the way I want. My whole plan...short term though it was has been completely thrown out of the window...we can address this in january.

Subject: THE FUTURE
Mood/color: Indecisive/ lavendar
Is it weird that I equate indecison with lavendar? It's such a calm color. Maybe it' s because I have a lot of go with the flow tendancies and that makes it easy to skirt around not making any choices really. I clearly don't know what I want. No that's not true at all. I know exactly what I want. (I wrote it out didn't I?) It's going about getting it all I'm unclear about. Where do I start? I don't want to be in college when I'm like 60. Tried and true go with the flow method...or meticulously detailed ten year plan. That's the dilemma. Extreme yes but it's all I have

I guess that's everything for now. Read this...or don't. Take from it what you will. It's not like I can stop you...now...nap time

Paradox

Crack your head open, look inside and see if you understand. Nothing is simple. Everything and everyone is so freaking complicated their heads should be spinning. The most glaring garish question is that of wondering whether or not you are enough. Are you pretty? Are you smart? Are your friends really your friends? This requires way too much thought. What exactly i the upside to being so Goddess damned socialized.

The paradox is this... I am but I am not. It's simple really. Let's have some examples shall we. I am a female but I am not feminine. I am interested in the opposite sex but I am not heterosexual. I am a woman but I am not a "proper" lady...get it? Got it? Good. Sufice to say the entire world is the victim of an identity crisis. I want to fit in but i don't want to comform. I want to be different but I don't want to be weird...Yes love you are different just like everybody else...

Get it?
Got it?
No?
Too bad

U__U

All is right with the world again...but that doesn't mean one has to like it. This is really beginning to get old. No not beginning it just is. Let's move on to something new shall we? For you the offer is absolutely nothing. Why give when one doesn't get? Why push? Why pull? To much strain...too much effort...too much work...absolutely no interest...absolutely no time.

So therefore quit because a point has yet to be found. How dull. Scribble, scribble, scribble and don't write a damn thing because muses are of no use. They are a bunch of fat guys sitting in a basement smoking French cigarettes because it makes them fancy. Wait for them to deign you important enough for a glance...fat chance...you are unimportant.

The question that remains is whether or not you know it. one hundred bucks says you don't. Rare it is that making any type of difference is in your future. Forget the freak. You're just nature Lost and lonely. Futile and frustrated....Such a great way for you to spend a life.

Just so we're clear...

This is by no means a window to my soul. I'm not about to spill my guts and tell all my secrets. This won't tell you how my day went or if I like this person or that person. Seriously, it's not my thing. I decided to put my fingers to the keyboard and see what i come with. Subject matter is TBA. I can't in all seriousness promise that what pops up here has anything to do with me personally. We shall see... So le's see what the keys have in store for today...

Oh it's that girl, you know her
The smart one, the cripple, the flirt, the bitch,
the one with watermelons strapped to her chest, yeah you know her

You don't know that girl,
you make no effort to know that girl, not that she minds
She doesn't want you to know her. Quite frankly, she doesn't want to know herself
She doesn't know herself

This means don't ask her questions because her answers won't make sense
Under the guise of all her big words is a bunch of gibberish
Alas, you are still here, still watching, still wondering about that girl.
The one who says so many pretty words and still says nothing, tells nothing, reveals nothing...the clever one, that girl