Well hello there! Do you project a spunky delightful slightly nerdish personality to the outside world? Are you really an awkward turtle on the inside. If you are well then you should feel right at home here. And if not...well then I'll teach you how to be just like me .
Originally, I vowed to never right about my job but all vows must be broken sometime. The day has com where my A-in-A officially becomes part of the heaven I have created here. Yes it is FMK Friday and I'm going to get to that but this...I must get out. I present to you a list of surefire ways to make your manager think you are a simpleton. Obviously the first step in this scenario is to get a job. Then move on to my tutorial.
- Be really bad at math (all of a sudden)
Okay now there is a precursor to this. Did you literally ace Algebra II with Trig your senior year? Perfect. If not the first thing I need you to do is get really good at math. Complex theorems and all that. Got it? Good. Now forget basic addition and subtraction. Excellent. Now on to the real world example
EX: C.M. is working morning shift at PotDerp's with Jack*. Now C.M. likes Jack a lot (no hetero) he has mastered this sort of hipster cool that doesn't make you want to stab yourself in the eyeball. From him it is authentic and you might be vaguely jealous of his coolness. The pair is chit chatting as all PotDerp employees are won't to do in the down time between customers when all of a sudden an older male customer appears. C.M. rings up his purchase with all the flourish and quirk she can muster. The exchange goes thusly
C.M.: That'll be 18.97
Male customer: -Hands C.M. money-
C.M. : -press wrong button- -curse in head- Ummm. Jack?"
Jack: Yes?
C.M. : I pressed the wrong button.
Jack: Oh?
C.M: Yeah. I pressed 20. He gave me 100.
Jack: You can't do that in your head?
C.M.: Uhhhh
Jack: Just add 50 to that. -slightly amused stare-
C.M. : Oh I knew that. Just wanted to make sure I was right. I didn't want my drawer to be off. -kick self in head-
Jack: -Nod- -Goes back to previous task
C.M.: -Die from shame over load- -hand customer change-
-Make simple mistake (that can get him fired)
Now at this point in this tutorial we assume that you have had this job for a few months now. You've gotten pretty confident that you basically know all the ins and outs of your position. Of course you're not sure of everything but you don't voice that. Even if you mess up it cant be that bad...right?
Ex: C.M. is closing PotDerp's with Jack and Bryan* and Beth* It's around 9:05 pm and everyone is finishing up closing tasks when C.M. gets the bright idea to pull the soup early ( <=== BAD BAD BAD) C.M. grabs ice usually used to cool soup, pulls soup from warmer and goes back to closing tasks. Bryan appears.
Bryan: Did you do this?
C.M.: Yeah
Bryan: Did Jack say you could do that before we officially close?
C.M.: Uhhhh.
Bryan: I'll ask.
*Time passes* -C.M. runs to do closing tasks as far away from the soup as possible-
Bryan: Hey C.M. We have to put the soup back
C.M.: Okay -goes back to other tasks-
When C.M. returns Jack is doing temp check on the soup. C.M.'s stomach drops. Slow she returns to her place behind the counter
Jack: C.M.
C.M. : Yes?
Jack: Never ever pull soups before 9:15. We have to have soup to serve until we lock the door. It's really important. I could lose my job for that.
C.M.: Oh, I understand. I'm sorry.
Jack: (to random customer): I have chilli right now. That's all
Random customer: Oh that's fine I'll take chilli.
C.M. (to self): Shit. (To Jack) I'm really sorry.
Are you cringing? Yes? Good. That's good. If not...oh buddy you're about to.
-Fail spectacularly (at something you're pretty good at)
Now I don't mean something you just got the hang of. I mean something you do day in and out. Like you are positive you have this down. Then fail at that thing. Fail really REALLY hard. Yes. Good Job.
Ex: As per usual C.M. is closing with Jack and other coworkers. Per her station C.M. is cranking out shakes. She makes two chocolate shakes then goes about her business. Cut to five minutes later when Jack is walking up to her with vaguely disappointed face.
Jack: C.M.?
C.M. : Yes?
Jack: Can you make me another chocolate shake? This one has a hair on it.
C.M. : Oh? OH! Yeah. Um. Definitely
Jack: Also, C.M. This is the fill line -gestures to cup- if it's under that then don't give it to the customer.
C.M. : Okay
Jack: -Tosses lovingly made shake-
Did I mention that we are ServSafe certified? That's important. We have just made one of the most egregious errors in the food world because we got cocky. Chew on that one for a while. But buckle up because this one is a two-fer. *Cut to 9:15* Everyone is going about closing tasks. C.M. remembers that she needs to empty iced tea bin thingy. She moves said thingy to edge of fountain and flips the switch-er-whatever it's called into the permanently on position and goes to wipe down tables. Like she usually does. When she returns however not only is the fountain full but the tea is spilling out and onto the floor.
C.M. (to self) the fuck? (out loud) Oh dear
Jack: -Most confused and pitying look C.M. has ever seen. Shakes head- Always do that in the sink over there. -gestures to shake sink-
C.M. Ahhh. Okay.
Congratulations! He now probably thinks you're dumber than a box of rocks! Now you may be asking yourself how do you know if you have succeeded in this task. Let me tell you...if you're asking, you have definitely succeeded. And we're now in the same boat. I'm going to keep the next few steps short.
-Marvel at how you're not fired yet/ how you got hired in the first place.
-Consider crying in the bathroom. Then get your shit together and clean up the mess fucktard.
-Tell manager a story that makes him laugh then realize that maybe its that which got you to this point. And realize that we are NOT people who give up. We fuck up, we learn from it and move on.
-Go home and blog about it.
*All of the previous stories have really happened to me. No sugar coating. No using anyone else as examples
*Names changed to protect identities and my employment. I'm fucking poor.
Sadly this will probably become a feature. Here's hoping I don't have to do too many
