Catharsis

Sooo how do I always start these things.? Something along the lines of..."wow I haven't done this in a while." Right? Do I have to use quotations if I'm quoting myself? Unimportant. Anyway I'm feeling...oh that's lame but really that's all I have. What a terrible way to start a sentence. I'm feeling a lot of pent up emotions right now. It feels like the way I feel when I get nervous...like maybe there's a wasps nest in my stomach or something. On top of that I've gotten into the habit of equating emotions with colors now so I have a rainbow going on and this one doesn't make me smile or feel any solidarity to the people who are like me. Hence this blurb. It was probably a terrible idea to do this on my phone but I've started and it's too late to turn back now. So to stay on topic I think I'm going to compartmentalize this. I never know how well I do at coherency but I'm calling attention to my attempt. So where do we...I start? Well with what's easy of course.
Subject: WRITING
Mood/Color: unsure/ gray
Words. I'm good with words. Maybe not punctuation but words are my friends. Writing is what I do. It's what I'm good at...what I'm passionate about. At least it is majority of the time. I am currently at least half way through the 1st draft of my novel. And no I am not about to take this time to make some shameless plug for it. No teasers, trailers, spoilers...nothing...nada...zilch. That isn't what this is about. However I can say how I feel about it. I'm afraid. What if I never get published? What if it's taken the wrong way? How many rejection letters will I get? If I can't even finish it what right do I have to call myself a writer? Am I destined to have pages and pages of work just on my computer forever? Dear goddess none of my family can ever see this ever.! What if something I write could change everything for someone somewhere? What if everyone hates it? What will I do then? These are the thoughts that run through my head as my fingers glide across the keys. It's really overwhelming sometimes. I think about closing my laptop or putting down my phone and resolving to never write another poem, short story, or word of my novel again.

Subject: RELATIONSHIPS
Mood/color: contemplative/ orange
Whenever I say that word people assume that I mean relationships of the romantic sort. I DON'T.! Well not exactly...not all the time. Honestly romantic relationships rarely cross my mind. I think about my relationship with my mom and what I could do to improve it. Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with it. She is amazing and great to me. I want her to be proud of me. Is that cheesy? I think about my..dealings with my donor and I wonder if that will ever change. Will I ever see him as more than just a donor? Am I being stubborn an onery by not reaching out to him? Should I try and reach out even though I truely believe it's an atrocious idea? I wish I spent more time with my siblings. I wish I knew them better. Do they knoow how much I care about them? Love them? If they don't is it my fault? Am I a terrible sister? How do I change it? Fix it? Has anyone thought of a new word for relationship yet? While repetition is the mother of learning...it gets f*cking annoying pardon my french...what kind of expression is that anyway? Then there are other members of my family. I think about them a lot too. Like maybe the world would be better off if certain people had there lips sewn together, one of the lobotomies like the ones referenced in Shutter Island and were never allowed near a computer again. Maybe that was kind of mean but whatever...I never said I was the nicest person. And if I did...well obviously I lied. How much is my opinion about my family based on how I glean -is that spelled right?- they feel about one another? Do I have preconcieved notions about my own family? Well seeing as there are some who seem extremely interested in my views on romantic relationships let's take a crack at that as if I hadn't said enough already. Honestly sometimes I think monogamy is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard. I can't pinpoint when exactly I started thinking that but it has been a while. This isn't to say that there aren't people who I would be willing to try with...someday in the future...a long while from now because there are a small few and I'm pretty sure they know who they are. But as I have said and will continue to say until I'm like 37...I'm young and ignorant and sometimes I don't want to deal with myself. Why would I make someone else do it. And don't get me started on marriage. Don't ask me to go into it. I'll surely piss some people off. But I will say a couple of things that are purely MY OPINIONS and I mean no disrespect to anyone. Marriage isn't sacred. Not to me. It's business. I'm a writer I have no interest in business. I see no point in tying myself down to one person for the rest of my life when I know for a fact after a good 5 years or so I'll find the way that person breathes to be the most infuriating thing on earth...besides reality TV...and the government most of the time. When I think about my life twenty years from now...there are books that I wrote on the New York Times Bestseller list. There is a white coat with my name, MD and a bunch of other random letters on it, a slightly too big house, a nice car, children, 2 cats and a dog. I'm NEVER getting married. EVER. It's that simple. Let's talk about friends now. I'm admittedly a little touchy about this subject. Don't get me wrong. I have the most amazing friends. However I usually lose touch with people about after five years. We move away or grow apart or have fights that crack the very foundation we built our friendships on. It happens. I accept that. I have made friends I never want to lose...lost friends I will never forget and gotten rid of people who in hindsight had no business in my life in the first place. Man I really know how to pick them. But that's human nature is it not?

Subject: SCHOOL
Mood/color: Frustrated,Depressed/ redish orange, blue
Quite simply put things are not going the way I want. My whole plan...short term though it was has been completely thrown out of the window...we can address this in january.

Subject: THE FUTURE
Mood/color: Indecisive/ lavendar
Is it weird that I equate indecison with lavendar? It's such a calm color. Maybe it' s because I have a lot of go with the flow tendancies and that makes it easy to skirt around not making any choices really. I clearly don't know what I want. No that's not true at all. I know exactly what I want. (I wrote it out didn't I?) It's going about getting it all I'm unclear about. Where do I start? I don't want to be in college when I'm like 60. Tried and true go with the flow method...or meticulously detailed ten year plan. That's the dilemma. Extreme yes but it's all I have

I guess that's everything for now. Read this...or don't. Take from it what you will. It's not like I can stop you...now...nap time