Greetings from the outside world

It's amazing to me how far away people can be all of a sudden. I know what I said before but it amazes me how Koala and I can't even be in the same general area anymore. All of the conversation is stilted and awkward. I guess I get what I give. I don't really know what I expected. I'm glad that there isno real pretense. Other people might say we're cool but we both know the deal. I didn't think we'd be here in a million years. Cest la vie I guess. I love you for stopping by.

Adieu Amy Adieu

I never expected to see R.I.P. Amy Winehouse all over the internet this past weekend. But I did. We all did. Now that I'm over my denial I can say that I am truly sad. Sad for the loss of this talent. Sad for the loss of this young woman . I feel like she had a lot to offer. Now there are these articles floating around say that she has joined the famous 27 Club. They say she has join the ranks of Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Kurt Cobain. The comparison is saddening really. Is that fact that she died young going to overshadow her gift? Addictions notwithstanding she was an amazing talent and a voice like that is going to be missed.

Adieu Ms. Winehouse Adieu

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces

Why do we try so hard to keep the people who don't deserve us? Why do we put up with one sided relationships? I just don't understand it. Can someone tell me?

Even though I'm pretty sure that the person of which I speak doesn't realize it. Our friendship is over. I really can't put up with anymore of this bullshit. I guess she deserves a nickname like everyone else I've mentioned in this blog. Let's see...I can't really think of anything that isn't an insult. Let's call her Koala. Yeah Koalas are nice...that isn't insulting.

This wouldn't even be post worthy if it wasn't for all the history that's behind it. That's what makes this hurt. All the history, the experiences, the laughs, the tears, the shared secrets, the blow outs we've recovered from... Of every friend I have I NEVER thought I would write this about her. I thought we'd be friends forever. I guess I was wrong.

Now Koala isn't my best friend but she is my oldest friend...Correction...was my oldest friend. We've stood by each other through so much and now I'm walking away. Washing my hands. Giving up.

But again I am wrong. I've stood by her. She hasn't stood by me. Not really. Not in the 19 years that we have know each other has she ever really stood by me. It has always been one sided. That sounds dramatic but it's true. How many parties have I gone to where no one else showed up? How many times have I bailed on other friends to spend time with her.? I can't even count all the instances. And has she ever done that for me? No.

Now before you think this is your basic "girl gets popular then dumps single good friend" pump the breaks. That's not what this is. I don't mean this in a rude way but...Koala is not popular nor has she ever been. We're both just...normal. Regular. The final straw for me came this past Saturday. It was a gorgeous Spring day and my mother gave me some cash and encourage me and one of my besties Waterlilly to get out. To go out to eat or something like that. Thinking that was a fantastic idea. I jumped up and called Koala. Asking Waterlilly first of course seeing as we were taking her car and I definitely not consider the two friends by any means. So I called and extended the invitation and I got a semi enthusiastic yes. With some semblance of a plan in motion I went to change out of my Tweety Bird PJ's. Now unbeknown to me Koala had called back. When I saw the missed call I called her back. She answered and told me that she wasn't going to be able to hang out with us. I asked why. The following is a mostly accurate transcription of our conversation.

Me: Oh? Why not?

Koala: There's just too much stuff to do around here

(in the background) K's mom: She's lying  

Me (irritated now): Why don't you really want to go?

K: I just don't feel like it. 

Me: So you rather just sit in your apartment rather than spend time with me?

K: I don't have any money ****** (<== my name)

Me: You know I'd pay for you. It's not like we're going anywhere special or anything

K: I'm tired.

Me: Alright fine. You don't want to hang out with me then I'm not going to force you.

K: Alright.

Me: Bye

K: Bye

Me: (more to myself and waterlilly)  Well fuck you then  

The call was still running and I don't know if she heard me say that but at this point I don't really care if she did. I was hurt. If she didn't want to spend time with me then fine. I could get over that. What I can't get over is that she blatantly lied to me. And in front of her mother who called her out. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have known I was being lied to. It made me question all the other times I had invited her to do something with me and she bailed. Had she lied to me then too?

It dawned on me then that I always had to force her to do things with me. Like I said before, I have gone to the parties that she's had that NO ONE showed up to and she never did that for me. I had a graduation party and she only stayed for 15 minutes. I was 17 at the time so it was like.... 17 fucking years of fucking friendship and you only stay at my fucking party for 15 fucking minutes. What the fucking fuck.? Wow I used that word a lot.  Moving on.

This is running long so I'm going to condense all I was going to say to a fine point. No one should ever have to try that hard with someone who is supposed to be their friend. The fact that she lied to me so bold faced is fucking (there's my word again) disrespectful and I won't forgive it. EVER. So if your reading this and you're going through anything like this drop whoever it is. I'm telling you to do it. DO IT NOW.! I'm not saying it's going to be easy. Because it isn't. Feel free to cry. I did. I've known Koala for 19 years (since I was born ) So this is difficult for me. I'm not just talking out of my ass. I'm just telling you what you and I both seem to have trouble grasping

!!!!!.YOU DESERVE BETTER.!!!!!!!

Happy Mother F*king Rev Day

Yeah so I've really abandoned this thing these last few weeks huh? I'm sure you all are missing me terribly *snort* I actually have more post ideas than I know what to do with. Couple that with the fact that I'm a little lazy and a lot indecisive and you get post droughts and post explosions <=== I think I might copyright that. There is so much that I want to say. That I need to say. I don't know where to begin.

This post won't really touch on any of my million ideas...I'm sorry. It's just that today is special. The Reverend Tholomew Plague turned 30 today. Or at least he would have if he was still alive. Actually I have a theory, he's not really dead. He just jumped off the bus, ran into the woods and went to practice his knife skills while chasing FUCKING STALLION DUCKS!!! (If that doesn't make sense take your ass over to youtube and look it up.)

For those of you who live under a freaking rock I am speaking of no other than James Owen Sullivan. The drummer of my favorite band in the entire world. A7X foREVer!!! I miss him. Which is creepy because I didn't even know him but still I do and there is probably a tribute tattoo somewhere in the future. The man was a fucking beast and I don't care what anyone says. Jimmy is and always will be a fucking legend. The hardest part of it...I think... is watching people that you idolize have to figure out how their supposed to keep going without their best friend. I can't imagine what his family is going through today. I'm having a hard time and I'm just a fan...no not a fan...THE fan. Everyone should light a candle today...and do some fucking shots. I think he would like that.

Seeing as were on the subject of my absolute favorite band I have to post about their concert. I went and it was fucking bananas. I laughed. I cried. I screamed my head off and may or may not have gotten hit on by some married dude from Pennsylvania. I'm also going to post about how I think the music industry ruins friendships. It's pretty obvious but there is a rant brewing about it in my head. Get ready.

......I know I usually have a song...but I can't...not for this...I'm going to go light my candle...

Well maybe it's not my weekend...nah fuck that it's going to be awesome just to spite you

So let me apologize in advance for the rant that is about to follow. It is most definitely going to be a rant because...I need to fucking rant. This is so not what this post was supposed to be about. It was supposed to be about dreams and lists and goals a la my Sparkler post a few weeks ago. This was supposed to be all uplifting and whatnot. But it won't be because I'm confused, amused, and a little irritated. So I'm going to put it out into the universe in search of an explanation. You game.? Awesome!

I think Skype might be the WORST invention on the planet. Like it is the most horrible thing ever. Okay maybe it's not. Maybe my letting my grandfather(yeah) talking me into downloading the shit was the worst thing ever. Yes. Let's go with that...

So you remember the Emo right.? If you don't go back a post or two if you do fantastic. I've addressed this person before. And I have clearly stated that no matter what I say our conversations go horribly wrong. So why, lovely universe did I decide to drive off of this cliff again? Perhaps it is due to the fact that I am a glutton for punishment. I always thought that phrase was over dramatic until...right this second. Ahhh nooo! Steer away from the melodrama...But rants are melodrama...Focus woman!

Anyway the Emo has been all homicidal lately and I decided to check on that person seeing as a certain someone asked me about it and I am delightfully nosy. I mean when some one's Skype status is "Can I Just Fucking Kill You!!!...Fucking Bitch" you get a little curious right? Right? Wrong? Whatever. So little old me decides to ask if the Emo is okay which is buy far one of the worst decisions I have made in my life since...well the last time I decided to talk to that fucking psychopath. Seriously someone needs to keep me away from my freaking computer. I try to use my Internet connection for good and it blows up in my face. Perhaps I should be a villain.

Well I'm the villain in the Emo's life story anyway. I've never addressed it in full before but we had this big knock down drag out fight over the Fruit Snack like three weeks ago. Long blah blah short I was wrong. I hurt , shocked and betrayed the Emo. I'm a bad person for liking the Fruit Snack. If I was a decent friend I would just stop liking them. I cared more about the Fruit Snack than the Emo.~insert profanity and a bunch of misunderstandings her~ Yadda yadda yadda Whatever I told my best friends about it, ate some chocolate, and went on with my life. I have not thought about any of this since like...two days after it happened because I was still trying to wrap my head around it. That was dumb by the way the Emo barely speaks decent English. Fucking confusing. Anyway. I let it go. Had a nice holiday. Had some wine on New Years...that whole deal.

Unbeknownst to me, the Emo has been letting that whole thing fester for weeks. Which of course I probably should have already known because that is what the Emo does. The Emo hasn't trusted me since this one incident at a party (of which I admit I was wrong, but not the only one to blame) and didn't come out and say it until two years later. Clearly it is a patten. I should have known this from the whole suicide attempt debacle. Honestly people don't go around telling people that you're going to kill yourself and not expect your friends not to freak and try to stop you. I mean come on how does that make sense?

So I go and ask the Emo if they are okay. They say no. Why do you care *whine* *whine* *bitch* *moan* I get called a liar, a backstabber, heartless, and lo and behold the Skype status is about me. Apparently the Emo wants to end my life. How do I respond? "OMG really.? That's fantastic!" I was literally laughing so hard that I almost dropped this expensive ass laptop. I've never gotten death threats on the internet before. It was something new and different for me. I was absolutely giddy. Or maybe shaking with irritation. I'm not sure yet. I laughed like a crazy person...scared my little brother shitless too. So I tried at three different times to stop this conversation. Partly because I was laughing so hard my sides hurt and partly because I didn't want to be rude. Okay well more rude than I was already being. I threw down my asshole card pretty hard. I went on this whole rant about bunnies and pillow pets and speed(the card game). The Emo thought I was upset. Which I thought was cute. People need to stop assuming they know what I'm like when I'm upset. They're WRONG. Let me add that during the course of this conversation the Emo had found someone to fabricate what the beginning of my relationship with ex boyfriend was like. Apparently I kissed him under some stairs while he was still dating the girl before me (WTF.?!) And I had to ask....where the fuck is the Emo getting thier information? That's not what happened at all! "People" says the Emo.  "Well people fucking lie...or just don't know what the fuck their talking about" I respond. So for the sake of whoever the hell the Emo was talking shit about me with I went to my ex and we set that record straight. It probably didn't change much but I still don't like being thought of as a home wrecker. If I was a home wrecker I'd fucking admit it because I'm an ass like that.

On top of being irritating as well as amusing the conversation had gotten creepy for me. I asked the psycho why they hadn't delete me if they hated me so much. Sine you've been such a good sport and made it to this point I will tell you what I learned. The Emo is keeping tabs on me. Trying to keep their enemies close or some shit like that. I have committed this capital offense against the Gods by breaking this magic "bond"(don't get me started) between the Emo and the Fruit Snack. I'm the most horrible person on the planet. And rather than asked me or the Fruit Snack what was going on (if anything at all) you're going to skulk around my Skype and Facebook trying to find shit to be upset about? My first reaction was...BITCH GET A FUCKING LIFE!!! But I didn't say that. I told the Emo that it was stupid and obsessive. To which I got to response  "you don't understand". And the Emo is correct. I don't understand how one person can be that fucking crazy. But I didn't say that either...

So lets recap what we've learned today kiddies:
~ I'm a liar
~I'm a backstabber
~I'm heartless
~I ruin relationships
~I'm a bitch
~That psychopath wants to end my life

But I'M the bad guy here. Makes sense don't it? I didn't think so either

Imminent shutdown approaching in 5...4...3...2...

Perhaps this is karma for alll the crap I talk. Maybe it serves me right. I really don't feel like being a part of this. One sided situations don't strike my fancy. I've said before that some lessons needed to be learned the hard way and maybe this is one of them. At this point I'm not sure if I'm more upset with you or with myself. I do know that I am NEVER letting this happen again...even if that means letting you go. And if that is what you want just let me know already. This is irritating

Today's Dabble in Poetry

In Hindsight

Maybe it has always been this way

Perhaps it was obvious

To someone who is not a slight optimist

That something was a little strange

Past occurrences tainted by the bitter feelings attached to the present

Feeling not exactly melancholy

But resigned to unprecedented stupidity

Still this heart would like to believe

That deep down somewhere the blooming flower was not just a brightly colored weed

Misleading into perceiving beauty which in truth only served to spread and infect with its malicious intent

Its a possibility that rose colored glasses have been covering the eyes of the beholder up until this moment

Making every instance of beauty and mirth a fleeting mirage

An illusion to placate the starving heart

One day this all may be looked at through different eyes

Felt with a heart marred with more experience

Examined by a brain with more intelligence

Idealism and naivete have most likely painted stars in these eyes

So now with a detached sort of awareness one feels a dull hurt and a kind of sharp sense of satisfaction

However apparent youth happens to be in the quarreling corners

It is amazing to behold the maturity and grace that have come from the depths of this heart and mind

Yet to be explored

Maybe it was always supposed to be this way

Some lessons are always learned the hard way

There is a faint feeling of loss

Being overshadowed however by this growing sense of gain

Perspective gained by the loss of evanescent skewed adoration

The loss of rose tinted view of the situation

Perhaps the price albeit painful is fair

Maybe in the long run it is absolutely the best thing